Yesterday’s adventure on the island was more laid back. There was a visit to the inlet and a trip to the local arts and craft fair, with a shopping trip throw in the middle, but overall not a very eventful day, writing wise. Unless you want to hear about the bird that spilled tears and blood when he bit me, the little f****er. He’s fine and back in his cage, btw. Other than that, it was a great day, just not one that stems a proper blog post.
What does prompt this writing is something that happened before the day really even began, when I sent my ex a friend request on Facebook and he accepted. What followed was a brief dialog and later an explanation that made me reevaluate my thoughts on the whole situation. This went well until hours later when I finally went to see what my ex has been up to since he went dark…
I took a big risk and, while painful, I have a better understanding of what I need to do next, I just wish it was the easy road. But few things in life, worth anything, are on the easy road and this, my friends, may break my heart all over again.
The Florida Turnpike is no joke, it’s a long straight away with few exits and, according to Floridians, questionable speed limits. In other words a perfect playground for those who want to open up their engines and fly, I kinda wished I had a stick shift and wasn’t so tired.
By the time I hit the Florida Turnpike I was dangerously close to fumes and hit a few of the self-service stations to rest and load up on caffeine. By the time I got to Tonk’s house the sun was asleep, and my brain just wanted to join it. Unfortunately my body was hyped up on caffeine and I didn’t sleep well.
Dawn struck me awake and I finally got to take in my surroundings.
Tonk’s home is adorable. It’s all wood, floor to ceiling with skylights in the kitchen. Very tropical, with large picturesque windows, palm trees in the front yard, flowers in the back. Granted the inside could use some cleaning/organizing, but she and her husband have been in and out of the hospital for the past month, not to mention have a newborn. Unfortunately, the newborn is not here. He’s with his grandmother headed to Wisconsin. That in itself is a long story, that I’m not at liberty to discuss, but needless to say, Mom is being strong, taking the news in stride and allowing moments of weakness.
This is where I come in, usually with a big hug.
If I have learned anything, during my grieving period it is this, Support is essential, and what’s so great about that support is that they just have to show up. They don’t have to say anything. They don’t have to do anything, they just need to show up. So that’s what I did. I showed up. Continue reading “On The Road Again-Blue Heron Bridge-“
My friend, Tonks, ended up being admitted to the hospital Sunday night, so I decided to extend my stay in Huntsville. Lucky for me, my Author friend and her partner were free to meet me for dinner Monday night, thus giving me another reason to stay the extra day.
My original plan was to visit with the Author, go to the Lake, sleep and get up bright and early Monday morning to drive to Singer Island, Florida. Now that I’m in Florida, I’m grateful for the extra day’s rest in Huntsville.
Monday, I slept in for the first time in forever. I allowed myself to stay in bed until I got bored and needed to do something else. It was DIVINE! Then I wanted to write, in a place where people came and went, a place that served food and tea and was not Starbucks. Cafe 153 was what brought me to Bridge Street.
My ex had also brought me there, twice. Both times was chilly and cold, but we made the most of it. This time it was bright, sunny and beautiful. It felt like a totally different place than it did when I was there with my ex. The only pang of emotions I felt was when I saw the Photo Booth we utilized the first time we were there. The series of pictures that booth produced told a tale of joy, laugher and plain goofyness, that we joked about for weeks afterwards. Weird how something so simple like a booth, can bring up emotions. Continue reading “On The Road Again-Bridge Street-“
Phote Taken By Jodie Nicole. 5/22/2016
When I told people I was going to the Lake, a few people smiled and mentioned how beautiful and peaceful the place was, but those closet to me, who know the significance of the place, felt that it’s a bad idea, or assume the worst in me. As if I’m setting myself up to become like Taylor Swift in her Blank Spaces Video and while THAT I do not understand because I just do not have it in me to become someone like that, I do understand why some feel that it’s a bad idea to go back to a place that was special for me and my ex. .
The basic thought is that you’re not allowing yourself to move forward if you go back to a place that held significance to you. So it’s best to avoid the sites, sounds, smells, and ideas that attach your thoughts to the lost loved ones.
Run away and in time you’ll be fine. Control you’re grief and you’ll move on faster. Get into a new relationship and all your hurt and pain will fade away.
I don’t think it works like that. In fact, I think that is counter intuitive and setting yourself up for more pain, heartache and heightening your chances of closing your heart off, permanently.
I went to the Lake yesterday. It was a warm clear day and I stayed for over an hour just looking at the lake and allowing my emotions to bubble to the surface and flow out of me. Continue reading “On The Road Again-The Lake-“
Huntsville’s streets are empty.
But than again, it is 8am, and I just got back from an early morning drive/breakfast, so I suppose everyone is sleeping in from the party the night before or gearing up for church. It is the south, after all, and why am I here? A friend, or two.
Tonks, my best friend from middle school, sister and co-conspirator, has been having a tough time lately, so I’m driving down to the panhandle to see her.
Continue reading “On The Road Again-Huntsville-“
If you could see what I see all your self-esteem issues would disappear.
S. told me that, one night after I sobbed my heart out for an hour or so straight, maybe it was only 5 minutes, who knows I wasn’t keeping track, I was just letting the words flow out of me with the tears as he listened and sometimes held me.
The thing with healing is that it’s more then just filling the hole that someone left in your life, picking up the pieces of your shattered dreams, or even about the process of rebuilding. It’s also about self-discovery and self-reflection. Healing is a chance to learn more about your strengths and weaknesses. An opportunity to pull away from or knock down the walls of self-preservation and getting to your essence. Lack of healing can turn into obsession if the person is unwilling to let go of their ego, pride, anger, and hatred.
Healing, true healing, has nothing to do with self-preservation because to truly heal you need to face the fears that self-preservation uses to protect you because sometimes these fears hide the truth of who we really are.
Continue reading “Healing”
I see my therapist tomorrow and I’m nervous. I don’t know why I should be, it’s not like he doesn’t know every one of my secrets over the last 5 or so years. But this time it’s different; a lot has changed since I saw him last. Primarily the day after my last appointment was also the day that my ex and I broke up. I don’t know if I want to have that conversation with my therapist.
So why didn’t I book another appointment right away, when I needed someone to talk to about it? A couple of reasons,
Continue reading “Full Circle”
Photo: Facebook Messenger Screenshot. I sent the meme.
Ok, one more post about the ex. I’ve been spending a lot of time with a good friend lately, to keep things clear I’ll refer to him as S. S has been a blessing, in regards to keeping my spirits up, putting a smile on my face, making me laugh uncontrollably and allowing me to break down and sob-still- yes, two months later and I still sob.
During those moments, when I feel absolutely pathetic, for still crying and for still having tears to cry. He looks at me and tells me it’s ok and that I’m not pathetic. I have a right to feel what I feel, and it doesn’t matter what others think because they are not feeling my emotions. I have to let myself fully heal, and that takes time. He reminds me that shoving everything deep down will only slow down the healing process. He’s right, and apart of me hates him for being right.
I’ve tried getting out there, into society again, using meeting people apps and forcing myself to be apart of “normal” things, like meeting co-workers at bars and attending 5K events, but my sense of outsider is still strong.
Continue reading “Not Pathetic-Just Healing & trying to be Goofy”
Photo: Found on a blog called Lifestyle. I’m not sure who took the picture.
Grief and life in general, ebbs and flows. Energy, in the spiritual sense, can bring about these natural highs and lows, the ups and downs that in many ways make life worth living. I’m saying this because we can not understand our highs if we do not experience our lows and vice verse. We need both for growth.
For example how can we fully understand the joys of love, if we didn’t know the pain that can come from losing love? How could we learn, move forward and make better decisions without working through these basic emotions? Continue reading “Ebb and Flow”